By Kaitlyn Vizziello, LCSW
What Is Containment?
Containment is the process by which a parent helps a child manage large, overwhelming emotions and feelings by holding those feelings in a calm, safe, and organized way. Rather than suppressing or fixing the feeling/emotion, the parent receives it, makes sense of it, and gives it back to the child in a form that feels more manageable. When a child becomes flooded with frustration, anger, or sadness, they may try to control others or shut down. These reactions are signs that the emotion feels “too big” to hold alone. The parent’s role is to stay steady and help the child name, understand, and regulate the feelings. The parents steady presence, being an attuned caregiver can provide the emotional holding that allows a child’s inner world to feel safe, seen, and integrated.
“It is a joy to be hidden, and disaster not to be found” (Winnicott, 1960)
In Practice, Containment Looks Like:
- Staying calm when the child is dysregulated
- Putting feelings into words (“You’re feeling really angry that I said no. That’s a hard feeling.”)
- Setting limits without anger (“I won’t let you hit, but I know it’s hard to stop when you’re this mad.”)
- Reflecting understanding (“You wish you could control how everything goes. That helps you feel safe.”)
When a parent can hold steady and make sense of a child’s big emotions, the child learns that feelings, even the hard ones, can be understood, managed, and safely shared within the relationship.
Why It Matters:
When a parent consistently provides containment:
- The child learns that feelings are survivable and can be managed.
- They begin to internalize the parent’s calm voice as their own inner regulator.
- Their sense of control shifts inward from trying to control the world to feeling in control inside themselves.
In practice, this process reflects the development of reflective functioning: the ability to recognize and make sense of one’s own and others’ internal emotional states.
Why Containment Can Be Challenging:
Even when parents understand the importance of staying calm, it can be difficult to do so in the heat of the moment. Stress, personal triggers, or unresolved experiences from a parent’s own childhood can make it harder to hold a child’s big emotions. Parents can support themselves first by practicing self-regulation techniques, such as deep breathing, grounding exercises, or taking a brief pause before responding. It’s also important to remember that no one contains perfectly all the time…moments of frustration or disconnection happen, and repairing the relationship afterward is one of the most powerful parts of containment. Recognizing these challenges and being compassionate with oneself helps make the process feel more relatable and achievable.
As Oxford CBT (2022) explains, “When children are becoming overwhelmed or distressed with their emotions, a containing adult will … explain to the child that they know how they are feeling and that it feels bad,” highlighting the importance of a calm, empathetic presence in helping children process strong feelings.
What Containment Is Not:
Containment is not the same as letting a child do whatever they want, ignoring intense emotions, or trying to make their feelings disappear. It is not about rescuing the child from discomfort or avoiding your own emotional reactions. True containment means staying present, calm, and steady while guiding the child through their emotions, maintaining clear boundaries, and helping them make sense of what they’re feeling. It’s about support and reflection, not control or perfection.
Bringing It All Together:
Containment is a skill that grows over time and with practice. Parents don’t need to be perfect.
This is about simply staying present, calm, and responsive, even after moments of frustration. This helps children learn that their emotions are safe, understandable, and manageable. By holding space for a child’s feelings while maintaining boundaries, a caregiver provides a foundation for self-regulation, emotional resilience, and secure relationships that will last a lifetime.
